So, my first post

So my first blog post … where should I start?

Well I live In England and I am in year 11 – absolutely insane! Am I right? Life is going by so fast and I don’t remember growing up in the midst of all of it. Anyways, I moved to the UK from Australia last year and let’s just say it’s been a difficult ride and I don’t really know how I’m still here. But I am so that’s positive.

So, I’m supposed to be deciding my 6th form subjects soon, and I honestly have no clue. No clue where to start because I don’t know where I want to go in life. GCSE’s are the most stressful thing I’ve ever had to do and it’s not even the worst part yet. I’m taking English, Maths (obviously) but also all 3 sciences and French, history and business studies. Let’s just say 3 sciences is not a good idea – so much course work, not enough time. It is really hard, but I suppose it’s going to make me a better person – isn’t that what all the adults say. I love English, writing your thoughts and analysing other authors to find their ideas is just fascinating to me. On the other hand, I love France and the culture and fashion and architecture but the language!!!! I can’t understand its beautiful until I have to speak it and then I sound horrible. Okay, am I the only teenager who actually ENJOYS maths?? Just me? Well to me, it’s great, it doesn’t change and there’s always an answer. The journey to getting the answer is sometimes the most frustrating thing but once you get it, you feel amazing, like you can do anything. Until the next one ;)

Dancing is the only thing that makes me truly happy. When I’m dancing it is the only time I am being my one true self no matter how boring, or depressing, or ugly I look, it is the real me and I am proud of it. At school and online, its all an act, a persona that I put on for other people to like. I want to be this nice kind girl, so that’s how I act. I want boys to think I’m attractive, so I dress up. My real self would never do half the things that I do but I do it anyway, to keep up the act and be what everyone wants.

The pressure I put on myself is immeasurable, I have this obsession about how I’m viewed through everyone’s eyes and do everything in my power to manipulate it, even if it means becoming someone I’m not. My brain just doesn’t seem to care about what my heart wants and who I truly am. I constantly feel as if I am not good enough. Yes, it seems as though I have tonnes of friends but in reality I am on the outside, peaking through a window, trying to be let in and so I do anything I can to make these girls or “friends” like me. My grades seem to be almost perfect and all my teachers, my parents and even the guys at school are expecting me to get 9’s. it’s as if they see it as an easy task, that I can just do it, because that is how I perceive it to be but in reality, my brain is in overload – I cant take in any more information, I cant spend a single more minute revising – I am exhausted and not just from working tirelessly but also from the pretence I uphold all of the time and the barrier I have up to everyone. No one really knows the true me, it’s a secret that is held close to my heart and guarded with my life. I never want to be in the situation where I am vulnerable. I never want my heart to be properly broken. So if I am just never me then nothing bad can ever happen to me because it is just a persona attached to me. The emotions and feelings will never be able to fully take control of me.

Anyways, at the end of every post I’m going to add a little review of some of my favourite music of the day / week / month, because I love listening to music and 95% of the time I have music playing – through a speaker or in my head ;)

My favourite band of all time would have to be 5 Seconds of Summer. If you don’t listen to the I highly recommend that you start. Their music is sooooooo inspiring and moving, there lyrics are so relatable but so beautiful at the same time. They play there instruments incredibly well and overall, it’s always a good time listening to them.

The song of the day is ….

JET BLACK HEART by 5 Seconds of Summer

This song perfectly describes my feelings at a certain point in my life, for when you’re feeling helpless, low, sad, depressed but in the most inspiring, enlightening of ways. I 10/10 recommend you listen to it.

I promise I will change up the music – it won’t always be sad or 5sos or bands or current music – it will change of course, just like my tastes.

Anyways, i hope your day is fabulous, that your skin clears (unlike mine) and that you see your best friend soon. Spread kindness - i know its cheesy but the world could really use some - just a teenager xx